Harmony in Dichotomy

Originally posted on April 11, 2008

Far away, in the midst of the densely crowded streets of Japan, I am walking and the only thing I hear is the wind in my ears. It’s a soothing feeling. On the other side - inside - , my inner-self is too busy with the thoughts circling around my mind.

More than a year in Osaka and I survived. I managed to succeed in every step of my Japanese Journey so far. From being unable to walk on my own, I can now converse, read my bills and mail, joke and socialize. In other words, I now have a normal life: I found my second home.

However, a new semester started and I am officially a Master’s student in Osaka University, Graduate School of Economics, Economic Policy Program. So this year sets for me a new array of steps, difficulties and challenges. I am excited and looking forward: the material is extremely interesting, the professors are quite famous and there are new walls for me to break.

Since I previously graduated as an Engineer, it is the first time that I attend advanced economics classes. But not only it is a change of career, it is also a change in the language of instruction. The A to Z is in Japanese and my Japanese Language proficiency can be described as “daily life skills”.

A friend recently emailed me asking about my mood. So I answered her with the other side of the medal.

My mood? I am panicking but not conceding. I have this feeling when I attend my classes: it is all in Japanese. Amongst it all, you can find few economics formulas that I recognize because of the mathematical operators. Still, I need someone to explain what it is all about. However, the parameters are defined in Japanese and the professor lectures in Japanese. I pick up few words, few sentences, few grammatical structures out of the long explanation. But, after all, I only understand the edge of the material and not the core.
So I panic then hold my guts and say to myself: “it's normal to feel like that, I will manage, and it’ll work out fine like everything else”. I may be convinced or may be simply trying to brainwash myself. The whole thing is somehow like when you almost vomit but don’t; you just feel it in your mouth. My mood, my psychology is currently passing through that.

I am living a dichotomy where the strong side is suppressing the weak side, where the confident side is holding the panicking side’s hand, where the determined side is pushing along the lazy side. It is a dichotomy where I am mentally hugging myself. My only moral support is my fear and hence myself. After all, Japan took me away from home but brought me closer to myself.

As a friend once said to me “the important thing is that you walk the walk”, I am walking the walk and my ears are enjoying the sound of the wind.